Saturday

October 03rd

Trying to enjoy my last few days of freedom. Soon summer is really over and I have the distinct feeling I will miss this years autumn and winter. The internship has come to an end and it will be back to this horrible school institution of mass education. Basic schooling for the poor, headphones and computer screen 8 hours a day 5 days a week. How was it when everybody told you 1 hour of TV every day is the limit, because sitting longer in front of a screen is not healthy.....?

Don't think anybody remembers that today. Well maybe they should.

Anyway I tried to capture some of the early autumn light. So beautiful out there.

Had a few days off before next week. And of course I had those two weeks being off sick also. So like always during sick days I feel healthier than ever before or after.

Getting a break from all this normality makes me enjoy something like a real body( and the memory of how it could feel if it feels right) for a few last days. Not a single ache anywhere no pains what so ever...Still I cannot believe that being sick must be so much healthier than functional and all in order......Everybody running out there doing what I have been doing for the last years (and there is a lot of them doing just that) are a serious health hazard to themselves.

At the moment I am thinking about changing my name to Juth Illbe if I ever get a chance...!!!!!

Well thanks god I got through 20 of those 24 months already. That leaves me 4 left to go. Sounds like a piece of cake. If I not had to pass all the final exams. I imagine them to be rather nasty.

Sunday

October 04th

Probably my last entry for a while.

Watched "Locke" last night and I figured one of the many things missing in my life at the moment is DRIVING.

For hours.... all the car noises that come with it (Though BMW must somehow sound even more exquisite compared to the bumped up bangers I used to get around in?!)....the lights, some good music and my dog on the back seat. Big fat smelly nose on my shoulder, blowing his warm breath in my ear. Remember that feeling as one of the best there is. Save in your own little metal shell. Way away from all the madness and people out there constantly running for their lives and back. Simply going somewhere....Tthen being where I am was actually where I wanted to be..... just to be. (Compared to the last years....since when being where I am constantly turns out to be somewhere where I really do not feel like I want to stay longer than absolutly necessary at all.)

Though I find the movie would have benefited from a little less talking.

Jesus…. driving was a lot different before mobile phones. Really do not know why people keep using them.

So yeah..... I do repeatedly find myself in those situations that could not be further away from what I would consider a desired condition/position/situation (to just be in).

If I am not out there running with the restless rest (only 4 more months!!!!) prepared for physical contact at every moment. Just constantly drawn into some strangers conversation or problem I would never have if not somebody else made it mine. (Never a chance of really just enjoying and actually following "my own thoughts  (a continuous and straight track of them in the best case)". Constant inter"fear"ence and yet of course another problem!!!!So yeah....I mean no.... I really do not like people. )

Then I am stuck in my mums garage….

Kind of peaceful I have to admit but I miss the movement and the lights. And of course I am not actually in the car.... more like next to it....(!) a rather reduced sensation compared to the real thing......I have to say.

Smoking the first few cigarettes went well though.

So before all will be back to normal and I will endure the unpleasant state of being not existent for another 4 more months I actually still had to mention that:

-My nose does sadly enough not really look so much different up till now at least (more like the bump changed position somehow). Apparently the swelling has to go down and it can take weeks to see the real result. So I won't bother taking close ups now

-And then that we had a lovely addition to our family recently. My most wonderful brother completed his perfect live with his beautiful daughter. Made my mum the grandmother she always wanted to be and turned me into auntie Juth. Not exactly what I had in mind as I rather had been a loving mother myself by now/thought I would be (years ago).   

But I just mentioned that things in my life have their way with me and generally not turn out  how I hope or wish for....

.....that is probably why not one of the guys I ever went out with would have made the father I would have wanted in it (my life and myself).  

So never mind..... Somehow I feel there is way to many things left on my list.....And most certainly I'll start on working it down as soon as this horrible but definitely last German winter will be over…because I still want to do it all (well lets be realistic.....so many things!!!).

And I so can not wait for next spring……!!!!!!