Friday

October 31st

And I found I am rather surprising myself by theoretically feeling quite tempted to support people's tendency to turn to nationalism as a provider of identity... ( as long as it is not forcefully miss used as an ideology....one of those where the so called "purest of all people" push their cleansing beliefs upon the otherwise "pollutet population")....

Practically I find myself very much stuck in the wrong country still. History has not exactly provided Germany with a national heritage that is labled with liberty. Really sad they hardly ever got a go at it and (in my opinion)  simply do not dare to try it out.

Well therefore they have over 500 different types of bread!!! There must be a reason for that I am sure.

Though I always loved Europe with all its diversity I hate to see what a mess they are making of it. One great big mashed up blob of suppressed potential (including all those impurities) where everything and everybody is supposed to be "just the same"... and where we will all "be making se break togeser soon"...if we still get one at all!!!!

So does consciously and confidently downsizing ones defining radius make more sense but to just exist inside this blown up, stretched out body that must have given up its limits.... well... lets say a while ago? Being fooled by some sort of "fake-ish freedom", that is nothing else but an excuse for greasy, greedy globalization and exploitation....an encouragement towards digesting more and more.

As if all the fat bags, those sickly sized bodies I see around function as the perfect embodiment of all what is proclaimed and so naturally accepted. Competitive consumption and corruption up to "puking-point"...bread and bread and bread again..."almost bloodily bloated bowels until the body bursts". 

What a poor replacement for being truly fulfilled.

And it is not that I do think people do not like to be freed. I seriously dare to say they do not know how to be it!!!!!.

Whether that is because they will repeatedly be deceived of their basic rights to actually live it (freedom)or because they are simply to unwilling and unable to understand their chances and use them in a benefiting way. As that would include a certain amount of active self involvement as well as knowing and accepting your self defining limitations as a base to start from.

Misfortunately I find that that is exactly what everybody recently is giving up upon so unbelievably unfought for.

Saturday

October 25th

And if Iam talking to myself a lot recently it is mostly because I seem to be the only one around (myself) who speaks (decent) English. It is almost as if the language has become my home...or what is left of it...if there still is anything left of it....

(How can freedom start at home if I can not (and probably never will) afford one of those)

Personally I find it painfully exhausting to know I might sound like I am constantly banging a screwdriver onto some kind of metal device whilst I am inbetween using it in the way I was tought to use it and coming up with new ideas on how to use it in a way it has never been used before. I miss the melody (in everything I do and all there is) so much. The highs and lows, the space of vowels in my mouth, the punctuality of consonants. The story to what is actually said. Everything around me sounds like a heart that stopped beating an empty chest without the secrets locked inside.

Saturday

October 4th

Was trying to think of something nice to say but the weather was so beautiful. Maybe the last bits of sunshine for this year. And after spending 5 days a week  (8 hours each ) in this torturous dungeon room, trying to take the most from those lessons on strategy, concept and analysis, "The Analit" seems to be the only thing I have come up with. I know they are called analists, but I think "Anal Its" describes "them" in a much better way!!!!

All for "In-Formation"...... When all I want is to go home and let go of all this straightness for a real while. So I guess I will imagine the smoke on top of it (the chimney) till I can afford it!