Sunday

November 17th

Watched Alexander again. Think it is about the 4th time now. And I have to admit it kind of grows on me. Well the 1st time was in Spanish so that does not really count.

The 2nd time I just about got as far as getting used to the in my opinion rather
unsupportive choice of music and disturbing hair styles (never mind the fact
that I found Colin Farrell (right spelling???) pretty much the biggest miscast since Brad Pitt tried to do Achilles in Troy, well he's got nicer legs though).

Watching it now being rather immune to those minor unbalancing aspects I still wonder
what a person like that really would have been or looked like. Thinking about
that UK Stamp and my mum's old postcard as the only references.

"He fought to free himself from fear....He was a dreamer....the dreamers exhaust us....We killed him....he died the freest man."

Well have to keep thinking about it. "

Maybe watch it again next year.

As far as myself is concerned... At the moment I am far to confused and tired to know whether I am still dreaming or I have exhausted myself to much with it and simply prefer to go to bed and sleep till I am dead (though I can not help but thinking I died a long time ago anyway).

Spending my days trying to make decisions that are not really decisions because I do not actually have a choice. Due to lack of affordable options and the fatal fact that all remaining possibilities are where they have always been. Right on top of that dark and dried out well I find myself stuck in. Together with the light and those reluctant ropes I hope for... falling down sometime... Well maybe there'll be one then... There has been a few. Miraculously appearing out of darkness and then being tossed down completely the moment I dare to grab it.

Another slap straight in my face.

Though meanwhile it is more like a drill right through my head.

And I so have had enough of it. It is to ridiculous going on and on having to
explain to people how to do their job properly while I was supposed to be here to learn about how to do mine(!!!).

Well whatever as always....

But if I had a choice I would just keep walking those autumn-coated forest floors forever. There where decay is something so colorful and smells like juicy liquorice (Why the fuck does it need to be so unpleasantly scented in humans...I have no idea). And death only ever lasts till next spring.

Well since I am in Germany winter I feel, it lasts forever.
And if not till then...it definitely lasts to long. And I have no idea how to
get through another two more times of to long.







Saturday

November 16th

Last pics taken in this HELLHOLE(!!!!!). As soon as Iam out of here I'll burn those shitty earplugs.