Wednesday

July 31st

And I have not really decided weather I am going to take it to the river or the lake. Because I found it...

The most beautiful word, the one I was looking for, the one I never said.

Still I am not going to put it up here...because it is ours...and nobody will ever know.

How I don't understand it and probably never have.

Well this is the 1st month of my beautiful summer over. That beautiful city with all its beautiful people felt like nothing for two days. The summer evenings the beautiful nights before the mornings....the smell of the water, the light on my face...the silence of the breeze up in the trees, touch and tenderness...all just grabbed and garbaged...given away passed on and now its gone.

I feel like I have not seen the moon at night for decades.

Beautiful....Hope that August equally will not hold to much of it either because there is no one here who would explain it to me.

But I did remember why I always loved London. 1stly because more then often I thought it to be quite ugly and secondly it is the only place I never went to for a guy.



Tuesday

July 30th



For all I am and all that's me....exactly what and where I hoped I'll never be.

Sunday

July 28th

So before I will leave this webpage filled with the things I intended it for...those thoughts places and people I want to remember not those I am trying to forget....

one quick last little preview while I am just at it...(the movie I mean)

This part is called a page in my diary.

And it is dedicated to little gitty guitar guys (those with long hair, short growth and a generally oversized physical manifestation of their gender) who will most certainly just one more time invade my space and place uninvited at the slightest opportunity. Around here it is rather difficult to kick them out personally or call the police to do so. I thought while their greasing over and through some of my thoughts and memories I keep in this room, because I won't be able to pack and carry them all just one more time....this is the only one I want them to have. Personally and preferably stuck to their forehead so they never ever forget what I felt or feel about them.

Well it is a little small and my handwriting isnt the best, but trust me you would not want to know what it says anyway. Exactly what I would tell them anytime they would insult myself or penetrate my privacy again, every single time they would stalk myself, bother my friends or family, ripp out pages from my adress books and journals or in any other way try to break into "my place" or through that door. Well quite plainly it means:... go and shit on somebody elses floor!

So I didn't want to say it because I didn' want to let myself get to the same level their brains must operate on. But there you go... might as well fight fire with fire while I am down here anyway...decent temperatures at least, and thats something to enjoy.

Tuesday

July 23rd 

Yes there is worse things that can be in ones face but a full and overboiled mug of water. And people who look so content while they are putting them/it there almost as if they enjoy it. Guess they never had to spend a single minute knowing what hell really feels like.



-(Not to mention the things that went down my throat and up my backside...Funny that I remembered that last night when my alarm went off reminding me not to forget the so called oral contraceptive pill. Ridiculous almost that I keep taking it, but thats just in case something/somebody misses their target destinations and for once puts it accidentially or against my will there where it should go naturally. Well it seems to go there naturally for all those sweet little slender blonds (whatever colour of their hair). For those with the big bags and the bunny brains.

While I just sit here writing another pre-published chapter to that "A...hole movie". Have to take some acting lessons soon. Because I doubt there will be anybody on this earth able to star in it convincingly enough.-  

And I have nothing I can put against it just stand (preferably sit) and try not to look while it (my face) comes off in little burned out blisters, and the other bit (my self) goes back down the gutter. The only two things I needed to keep to save me from being one of those so(u)ckets.

Sometimes wish I would not just look like a guy but actually be one because I can understand that big bags and bunny brains do an overall brilliantly soothing job.

But being a girl that will have never been a woman before she dies as an old (probably breastless) rag, being faceless and a broken back, that is just one to many on top of all the other crap they left me with after they took off and took it all.

How could I have possibly believed I could have just gone there too. After I wanted to be there all my life....craving to celebrate though I should know by now I will always be to late.

Boarding that bus yet again and over just one more time. Surrounded by the smell of hell, decay all the way...pure torture instead of travel. Food, fear and failure till I faint. Welcome back to "Cripple-Club".

More punishment... while the moon was still so full last night. I am just so empty. Knowing my conviction but not my crime (coming to the conclusion that it is probably more of a curse anyway). Creep crawling on, feeling all this hate keep calling on (me).

Geting back to my prison place (or whatever else I called it)..... trying to stick to the summer smells and the fading shades of that lost embrace. Cry till I die. And wish I actually "was it" (dead) so I finally do not have to know the feeling any longer, the one where the only sensation I encounter is "the being like it" (dead) ...besides every other single one of them.

Sunday

July 14th



Ok I made that guy today. Thought as my own face starts to peel off it would be good to concentrate on somebody elses. I thought he was so perfect... now I look at it I find one can actually see that he is made up out of at least 4-6 blended layers I created from photographs of ancient stonefaces on a wall in Turkey. Same with the D-River, well that was actually supposed to be a self portrait. Can not exactly say what "drove" me there because it  looks so very much like I will never have a car again....Whatever....I think they are geting better though...And I really like that guy. Will adjust him a little before he goes into my next collage.

And them two....They are sweet not?...Makes me think about what on the list is most unlikely for me to ever have again: a) the car, b) the puppy or c) a guy like that...besides all the other stuff, I get rather tired of talking about.

Thursday

July 11th

Had a mug of boiling water literally exploding straight into my face when I took it out the microwave last night.

Thought Ill wake up this morning looking like a ready meal. Well, for what actually happened my face looks remarkably unaffected. (Hopefully) Fading red patches underneath/around my eyes and my nose ...it burns though. I've never seen water spatter all over the place with such power. I didn't even really understand what happened at first. Wasn't I just starting to relax, funny how those things always happen to me as soon as I do. As if "something( well that couldn't have been somebody)" is just waiting for it. And then knock me over from behind and unexpected. Or like in this case hit me straight into my face.

Well at least I stop looking like grandma from 2 doors down, prefer the English Patient anytime.

Sunday

July 7th



So...what am I now....and where have I left what I kept...?